Title: Poker Gone Wild
Authors: ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
snoggedand jasonsnene
snoggedand jasonsneneRating: NC17
Warnings: Language, suggestions of M/M, tentacles, Crack!fic
Pairings: Angel/Jonathan, Spike/Warren, Clem/Xander, Giles/Andrew
Beta: carinas_carinae
carinas_carinaeA/N: So, I got to chatting with my pal snoggedand the subject of crack!fics came up. Really, we were just talking about funny pairings which of course, inspired us to write a crack!pairing fic. So these are some wacky pairings that we came up with and translated into this...We hope you laugh as much as we did. :D
snoggedand the subject of crack!fics came up. Really, we were just talking about funny pairings which of course, inspired us to write a crack!pairing fic. So these are some wacky pairings that we came up with and translated into this...We hope you laugh as much as we did. :DPoker night at the crypt was looked forward to by all of the poker players. It was one night away from their significant others when they all could lose themselves in the game, not to mention the whiskey and cigars.
Tonight’s game was at Spike’s crypt, a favored location.
Meanwhile, across town at the former Summers residence, another group was gathered. Their mocha lattes cooled at the kitchen table while they waited on the last batch of Andrew’s cookies to come from the oven.
Poker night for their partners may mean booze and manly talk. For them, it was an opportunity to compare notes.
Jonathan was currently lamenting his lack of sex life. “I mean, really, you would think that being with a vampire would be so erotic and fulfilling. All he does is go out every night to kill things. I’m left home, because he doesn’t want me with him. Just because I’ve gotten knocked around a few times. It’s crazy. You’d think I would be an asset with all the experience I’ve had.”
Warren piped up. “Hey, at least you get to live in the lap of luxury at that hotel. I’m stuck in a crypt. A crypt. With stolen electricity and no satellite. I don’t get the Sci-Fi channel! I don’t know how Spike expects me to continue with my experiments using an extension cord as my only source of power.”
“At least you don’t have to make tea and cookies - oh, excuse me “biscuits” - all day. All Giles wants is a housewife. Someone to cook and clean and make sure his books are properly alphabetized.” Andrew pulled the last tray from the oven and smacked it down on the cooling rack. “I’m so tired of baking.”
Xander added his own complaint. “At least you don’t have a house full of kittens. Clem collects the damn things. They’re into everything. And do you think he’s the one who has to feed them and change the litter box. No, that’s just too much to ask.”
“I still say my lack of sex life is the worst,” Jonathan pouted. The others nodded in sympathy. “All he wants is blow jobs. Blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs. And do you think he ever returns the favor? Oh, no.”
Warren patted Jonathan’s arm. “Same with Spike. He likes to receive but he isn’t a giver, that’s for sure.”
“Giles, too. They have no idea just how hard it is on a guy’s jaw to do that all the time.”
They all turned to Xander. He grinned sheepishly. “Um, no complaints there. One word: tentacles.”
Three gasps of surprise echoed in the kitchen. “Tentacles?” Jonathan asked tentatively.
Xander sighed. “Yeah, tentacles. Let’s just say that it makes any time spent on my knees well worth my while.”
Jonathan, Warren, and Andrew pondered the idea for a moment before adding sighs of their own.
******
Back at the crypt, the conversation had taken a similar turn. “Oh yeah, the best way I’ve found to shut Jonathan up is to have my dick in his mouth. Man, can he suck. I’ve gotten him trained pretty well. It’s taken lots and lots of practice.” Angel’s smirk was echoed by the others in the room.
“Yeah, every time Warren starts bitching about the crypt, I just get him on his knees. Even got him to agree to make another robot for me I fucked his mouth so good the last time.” The others all groaned in appreciation at the idea. Spike grinned.
Giles stretched out in his chair and leered. "Boys, I've got it made. Andrew's my little house slut. Cooks and cleans, sucks and sorts. Life doesn't get any better than that."
Clem shook his head. "No, no. It's all about tentacles. Xander will do anything to have a go at those."
Spike's jaw dropped and he arched an eyebrow. "Tentacles, Clem? Sounds a little too Japanese hentai* for my taste. But whatever trips your trigger, I guess."
"Oh believe me; Xander's trigger definitely gets tripped. That thick cock of his just bursts right out of his pants. Probably 'cause he's got an anime obsession. And who could blame him? Those big-titted women are kinda hot." Clem smiled, idly stroking the head of one of his kittens.
*****
Andew slid the cookies deftly off the cooling tray and into the cookie jar, setting some of them aside on a beautiful, china plate. The others watched his ease in the kitchen with a touch of envy. Warren snapped his fingers in front of Xander’s face to wipe the dreamy, tentacle-remembering smile off his face. “Hey!”
Xander blinked and looked at Warren. “What?”
“We’re supposed to be bitching here. Get with the program.”
"Bitching, right." Warren glanced around the room. "Do you ever get buggered in the ass? Like, without lube? Spike seems to think that my pre-cum will do the trick and I'm telling you, it hurts like a right bitch when he does it that way."
Andrew broke out into a fit of giggles. "Giles likes to use household products from the kitchen. Like butter and cooking oil."
Jonathan pouted. “You guys get to fuck? Oh man, this just gets worse and worse. What did I do to deserve this? Did I piss off one of those demons we were messing around with, Andrew? I mean, really, this is hell!”
Xander reached over and patted Jonathan on the head. "Poor baby. Sucks to be you. I always knew Angel wasn't a lover. Unless he's fucking Spike behind your back. I bet that’s where he'd rather get his action."
Jonathan stuck out his bottom lip. "Hey! I'll have you know I'm an excellent lover."
"Sure you are, Jonathan. With your hand, maybe." Xander smiled, lightly punching the other boy in the arm.
Warren finally managed to pick his jaw up from the table. “What exactly do you mean ‘fucking Spike behind his back’? Spike isn’t fucking anyone else! He’s mine, dammit!”
Xander raised an eyebrow in a very Spikesque fashion. “Ri-ight. Sure, Warren. And if you believe that, there’s this bridge I’d like to sell you.”
Warren shot Xander a death glare. "Spike loves me. At least, he doesn't have tentacles. What sort of pervert gets off on that? You're sick, Harris."
"Guys, stop it!" Andrew shouted. "I don't want any fighting. No one is fucking around with anyone else. Got it?"
Xander and Warren nodded, content to just silently glare at one another with their arms folded across their chests.
"Now, who wants a cookie?" Andrew brought a plate over to the table filled with piping-hot chocolate chip cookies.
****
The poker game was the focus back at the crypt and the smirks and bragging had faded with the intensity of the play. All that came to an end when they all heard a strange noise. Giles looked a bit embarrassed. “I’m hungry. I wish I had thought to have Andrew make us snacks. He makes the most lovely biscuits.”
Angel slammed his cards down on the table in annoyance. "I fold. Speaking of food, Jonathan knows just how to make my blood. He warms it up perfectly and brings it to me on his knees. It's hot as hell."
Clem's eyes darkened and his lips crinkled in a way that could be read as jealousy. "Xander's great at dialing a phone. That's as far as his cooking skills go. The man can't even make a proper grilled cheese. It's gets all burnt and black on one side."
Spike set the cards down and rose to his feet. "I think I've got some peanuts around here. Or we could order in some pizzas."
Giles grimaced at the thought of carry-out. He was a bit spoiled by Andrew’s cooking. “Boys, why don’t I call Andrew and have him whip us up something? I’m sure he’s got nothing better to do.”
****
Andrew watched the cookies being devoured by his friends before he returned to the kitchen and continued working. Jonathan went into the kitchen to help. “Andrew, I think we’ve got plenty here. Why don’t you come hang out?”
Andrew’s eyes filled with tears. “I can’t. Giles didn’t eat before he left and I just *know* he’ll be calling any moment demanding snacks for the poker game.” The phone rang just as he finished speaking.
Andrew gulped and answered the phone. "Hello, Summers residence."
"Andrew, I require nourishment. Whip up something tasty and bring it over to Spike's crypt. If you can do it in under twenty minutes, I'll give you a present."
Andrew shifted his weight and sighed. "What do you want?"
Andrew knew that Giles wasn't interested in anything he made on his own. The former librarian and watcher took great pleasure in making sure Andrew kept to his menu.
The other men watched as Andrew wrote and impossibly long list without a complaint. Before he could move to start preparations, Xander intervened. “I don’t think so.”
Warren stood beside Xander. “I concur.”
Jonathan looked back and forth between them. “What they said.”
Andrew looked confused.
Xander nodded thoughtfully. “This ends now. I say we demand better treatment. And we withhold food, blowjobs, robots and tentacles until they straighten up their acts. Who’s with me?”
"Hell, yeah!" Warren's arm shot up in there air.
"It'll be like a slut boy strike," Jonathan said, nodding his head enthusiastically.
Xander grinned and looked at Andrew. "Drop the pen, Andrew. It's time you used that set of balls and took a stand."
Andrew looked down at his list and back up at his three friends. "But...won't they be mad? I mean, what if they punish us?" He flinched as his mind conjured an idea of Giles brandishing a rattan cane and marking his ass till it was red and bleeding. "I'd like my ass to stay white. Red is not my best color."
“Come on, Andrew. What have you really got to lose?” Xander asked. “Aren’t you sick of being treated like a dirty footstool? You’re better than that.”
Andrew smiled. “All right. Let’s do it. I’ll make signs. How about something like “Hell, No! We Won’t Blow?”
****
Giles hung up the phone and sat back down at the poker table. “Well, boys, prepare your taste buds for a flavorful experience. You’re going to need it since I plan on taking all your dough. Get ready to cough it up.”
“Don’t be getting all high and mighty on us, watcher. I’ll be wiping your face on this table in no time,” Spike said, flashing a wicked grin.
Angel rolled his eyes and looked down at his cards. He truly felt like he stood a chance this time. “I think we should raise the stakes, gentlemen. In addition to the cash, how about a nice game of strip poker? We can get all our little sluts in here and get sucked off while we play.”
“I thought the point of poker night was to get away from our significant others,” Clem replied, his wrinkles creasing with confusion. “But I guess strip poker could be fun without them, too.”
“Oh, Clem, you just want to see Angel naked,” Giles said, chuckling. “’Course I wouldn’t mind seeing him with his pants off.”
“Oh, no. My clothes will be staying on. You all are going to lose,” Angel said brusquely.
“Not bloody likely,” Spike smirked. “I’m always up for a chance to get you naked, mate.”
“So we’re on, then?” Clem asked nervously, checking his hand to see if he had a chance.
“The rules are one article of clothing every time you fold or lose the hand,” Angel instructed. “And to add to the fun, the loser has to do a little show for the rest of us.”
Spike grinned and licked his lips. “I’m gonna make you wear the boa, Captain Forehead. The red, fuzzy one that makes that ass of yours look so damn sexy.”
Angel shot Spike a death glare. “You’re not getting me to wear that boa. I’m gonna kick your ass from here until Tuesday.”
The arguing came to a sudden halt at the sound of loud chanting. It echoed through the night air and it was obvious that whoever was chanting was really pissed.
“What the hell?” Giles asked, getting up from the table to check out the ruckus. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. “Guys, you’d better come and see this.”
Spike rose from his feet and walked over to the window Giles was standing in front of. “What the bloody hell are those sluts thinking?”
Angel stepped behind Spike and Giles. “They obviously aren’t. I’m going to go take care of this right now.” He stormed out the door to the crypt and was immediately frozen. Jonathan smirked at him, letting his “I Blow when You Blow” sign drop to the ground.
“You’ve obviously forgotten my ability to do magic.”
Giles came running out next, ready to berate Andrew over this nonsense. He was stopped as well. “Damn it, Andrew. Release me at once.”
Andrew pushed his sign closer to Giles face. Giles’ eyes widened when he read “You Don’t Get Fed ‘till I’m in Bed!!”
Spike and Clem hesitantly made their way outside, not interested in suffering the same fate.
Spike looked at Warren and smirked. Warren’s sign read ‘No More Sucking Till There’s Fucking.’ “Creative sign-making. I’ll happily oblige your wish if that’s what you want. Fuck you right over the gravestones and make you scream like the little slut you are.”
Spike felt his body freeze and Warren stepped towards him. “No, Spike, it means you don’t get sucked until I get to fuck you for once.”
Clem raised his arms in surrender but found himself frozen as well. “Xander, sweetie, we can talk about this. I’ll let you play with my tentacles.”
Xander pushed his hands against Clem’s chest and grinned in defiance. “I’m not going to let you walk all over me. I’m done being your little bitch.”
Clem tried to step back but forgot he was frozen. He whimpered instead. Angel growled at him. “Stop being such a pushover, Clem. Take control; show him who’s boss for once.”
Jonathan moved closer to Angel and added a shove of his own. “That’s right, Angel. Let’s talk about who’s boss. Let’s talk about how I never get to do anything. You don’t deserve me. And I’m sick of putting up with your broody self. Plus, the no-sex thing is getting old.”
Spike chortled and Warren moved to his side. “And what do you find so amusing?”
Spike looked at Angel and smirked. “Uh, nothing.”
Warren and Jonathan’s eyes met. They spoke together. “Oh my God! They’re fucking each other!”
“No, we’re not!” Spike blustered, his cheeks burning red with fury.
“You are! Why else would Angel not be interested in sex when he comes home?” Jonathan asked, a stammer in his voice and tears in his eyes.
Angel tried to mask his guilty expression but it didn’t work. “Fine. Spike and I fucked…a few times. But, I never did it to hurt you. It’s not like he means anything to me. I love you. I promise we can have sex more often.”
“You’re lying!” Jonathan shouted, letting the freezing spell dissipate. It wasn’t like it mattered anymore. “It’s because you like getting fucked in the ass, isn’t it? And you won’t let me do it because I’m supposed to be your little slut.”
Angel blushed, running his fingers through his hair. The secret he never wanted anyone to know was finally out.
Warren smacked Spike across the face, opting for an alternative method of dealing with his cheating boyfriend. “I’m leaving you!”
Spike sputtered and tried to grab Warren’s arm. “Now, pet…”
“Don’t you, ‘Now pet’, me! You fucked Angel while I’m living in a CRYPT and trying to build you shit to make you happy. NO. We are done!!”
Andrew whimpered at the fury he saw on Warren’s face. This was bad. This was really bad. He looked at Giles, who was watching him knowingly. “Don’t you look at me like that. You’re just as bad as they are. Treating me like your slave, bossing me around, being demanding all the time. I don’t need this. I’m leaving you, too! So there!”
Giles’ expression changed immediately to one of contrition. “Come now, Andrew. You don’t mean that. Doesn’t Daddy take good care of his boy?”
Andrew snorted, followed shortly by Xander.
“Right, Giles. You take real good care of you.”
Giles furrowed his brow in frustration. He didn’t want to lose Andrew. Andrew was probably the best thing that had ever happened to him. “What can I do to make it up to you?”
Andrew’s expression changed to one of surprise. Giles sounded truly genuine. “Well, you can start by buying an actual tube of lubricant. Kitchen oil doesn’t clean off easily. And you can cook me dinner once in awhile. And maybe a blowjob or two. Would it kill you to get on your knees for me?”
Giles embraced the boy and kissed his forehead. “I promise I’ll try and make it work.”
“You have to do more than promise. I need you to do it, Giles. You screw up and I walk, got it?”
Giles nodded, capturing Andrew’s lips with his own. Their tongues happily reacquainted themselves, mapping out each other’s mouths.
Andrew pulled away breathless and Giles rubbed his pelvis against Andrew’s thigh. “Let’s go back home. I’ve got a special treat for you cooking in my oven.”
The other couples watched in awe as Giles and Andrew made up and made out.
Xander was next to crack. He turned to Clem. “Now listen. I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after all the cats. They are your kittens and your responsibility. Got it?”
Clem nodded apologetically.
“And you quit listening to these morons for relationship advice. They obviously have no clue what they’re talking about and since you’ve been hanging around them you’ve started treating me like crap.”
Clem teared up and pulled Xander to him. “I’m so sorry, Xander. You’re right. I should never have listened to those guys. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” One tentacle slipped out and squirmed its way into Xander’s pants. Xander’s happy sigh told them all that it was doing its job very well.
They wandered off together, leaving the two cheating vampires to deal with their partners.
Warren crossed his arms over his chest and shot Spike a death glare.
“I thought you were leaving,” Spike murmured. He figured once Warren was gone, he’d bugger Angel’s ass until the bigger vampire pleaded uncle and apologized for being a wanker.
“I’m waiting for Jonathan to pick himself off the ground,” Warren replied coolly. “It’s not like you care, anyway. You’re just going to go fuck your emotionless sire.”
Spike shrugged, not interested in a sappy reunion. “He gives me wot I need and doesn’t complain about the electricity. Sure, he’s a real ponce, but I’ve always loved the fucker.”
Jonathan looked at Angel, anticipating his own happy reunion but the brunet vampire didn’t budge. His face fell in disappointment. He really thought Angel was going to pick him. “I hope you two are very happy together.” He inhaled sharply and Warren wrapped an arm around him.
Warren and Jonathan walked quickly through the cemetery until the stumbled across Giles and Andrew making out against a mausoleum. Jonathan sobbed rather loudly at the sight and Giles looked up, gasping for breath.
Andrew started sniffling as soon as he saw the heartbroken look on his friends’ faces. “Giles, can they come home with us? Please? We’ll all be your good boys, I promise. And Jonathan sucks like a Hoover.”
Giles calculated quickly. This could very well work to his benefit. They’d keep each other occupied so there would be less demands on his time. Plus, Warren could make robots and he had a few ideas. “I’d love for them to come home with us.”
Spike watched the two nerds disappear through the cemetery and he turned to face Angel. “Mate, I had a royal flush before these fucktards spoiled the party. That means you owe me a show. You have to wear the boa and the red leather pumps. And you’re gonna jack yourself off while I ream that sweet little ass of yours. And then you’re going to apologize for being so mean.”
Angel’s eyes grew wide and he blushed crimson. Spike chuckled and chased him back into the crypt, pinching his ass the whole way.
It was definitely a poker night to remember.
THE END
*In Japan "hentai" has a strong negative connotation, and is commonly used to mean "sexually perverted". In the West the term is used as slang for sexually explicit or pornographic comics and animation, particularly Japanese anime, manga and computer games (see Japanese pornography). Examples include extreme bondage, creatures with tentacles, and other fetishes.
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I'm glad that Giles and Andrew made up. You know, for me, that's not really crack, I actually like them together, but you don't see it much.
Thanks for this :)
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You don't think Giles and Andrew are crack? That surprises me about you. I think he'd drive Giles to drink. Hmm. We'll have to have a discussion on this.
*hugs*
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And for some reason, I think fucktard is the funniest word EVER!!!!!!! *snorts*
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I wanted Spangel to happen :)
Fucktard is a great word.
Thanks hun
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And now that you mention it, fucktard is pretty damn funny. LOL
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I think I’ve woken up the entire block with my laughter… that was… there are really no words!! You’re both brilliant and thank you very very much for the entertainment!! That’s exactly what I needed after spending all morning studying…
And I just loved it that they all wanted to get Angel naked! And I loved the spangle ending too… and the Giles/Warren/Jonathan/Andrew foursome! You both rock!!
*smooches and huggles*
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