Title: Ash, I mean, Purpledodah, plays Hide the Cucumber
Authors: ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jasonsnene& ash_carpenter
jasonsnene& ash_carpenterPairing: Spike/Angel/Wesley/Lindsey/Cucumber
Rating: NC17
Warnings: M/M sluttiness, rimming, flagrant abuse of culinary items…
We, the official Queens of Tawdry-On-Smut, hereby dedicate this offering to our very own Princess of Porn, purpledodah.
purpledodah.Recalling the disastrous consequences of pulling salad items out of the trash, Lindsey had decided to go to the market. He stared at the selections carefully, looking for exactly the right size, shape... He wondered vaguely if it was wrong for him to be selecting his food items based on their similarities to various parts of his friends' anatomies, but soon shrugged it off.
He tested each item for firmness before placing it in his basket. This one was too soft, that one too ripe, but this one was just right. Hard and firm. Perfect. His assortment was complete. Whistling to himself, he paid the bemused vendor, gave him an inappropriate wink and headed for home. His little dinner party that evening was going to be FUN.
Lindsey made sure that everything was perfect. He checked the lighting, he checked the restraints, he checked the lube. Everything was in order. He worried for a moment that he had gone overboard with the dildo-shaped place names, but overall he felt it fit in with the tone of the evening.
By the time his guests were set to arrive, everything was ready. Lindsey was naked, stretched and lubed and ready to take his place. As soon as the first knock sounded, he yelled a "Come in" and climbed onto the center of the table. He slid a cucumber into his mouth and laid himself out.
It was Wesley, of course; you had to love British punctuality. Barely raising an eyebrow in surprise at the sight that greeted him, he pulled an item out of a brown paper bag and said, "I wasn't sure what we were having but I see that this should go nicely with dinner."
Lindsey's eyes lit up as he surveyed the leg-spreader and he smiled around his cucumber.
At his smile, Wesley attached the spreader to Lindsey's legs and took a moment to admire the table setting. Manners dictated that he compliment his host. Wesley walked around the table, making sure to find the best view, before speaking.
Lindsey wasn't entirely sure what niceties Wesley was uttering, considering that his tongue was buried in his ass, but he felt very flattered nevertheless. Lindsey muttered a "thank you" for the amazing compliment and Wesley's tongue continued to explore his body. When he heard another knock, Lindsey moaned around his cucumber.
Wes was more than willing to let the others in. He pulled away, with an audible pop, to yell out, "Come on in".
"Did we miss anythin'?" asked Spike anxiously as he dragged Angel into the room by his sleeve. They stopped short at the tantalizing display that greeted them and Angel's eyes widened in surprise. If Spike had taken the trouble to explain exactly what type of party they were going to, then he would have been considerably keener to participate. He was peripherally impressed that Lindsey could fit so much of such a large cucumber in his mouth, and suddenly remembered why he put up with all his bullshit.
Before Angel could finish his thought, he saw a streak of blonde and naked skin. How the hell had Spike gotten naked so fast? But as the younger vampire pounced on Lindsey, Angel realized he'd better hurry up or there wouldn't be any cucumber left for him.
Fortunately, as he used all of his vampiric speed and skill to shuck out of his clothing without falling over, he noticed that several more cucumbers had appeared as if by magic. He snatched one from the table and moved behind Wesley. How could he resist that cute ass sticking up in the air as Wesley tossed Lindsey's salad?
Lindsey was nothing if not attentive to detail, and he had thoughtfully provided lots of dressing, which Angel promptly dipped his cucumber in before sliding it slowly inside the enthusiastic human. He looked up to spot that Spike had replaced the cucumber in Lindsey's mouth with something of a fairly similar shape but a rather more pleasing colour.
Angel looked at the feast spread out before him as he continued to feed Wesley's hungry hole. Wes had moved on and was now swallowing Lindsey's cock while Lindsey himself was opening his mouth wider for Spike.
His pervy leer suddenly dimmed as he realized in a blinding flash that his own straining member was being woefully neglected. Growling slightly, he surveyed his options, pleased to note that he still had several to choose from.
Angel pulled Wesley from Lindsey's cock and slid him forwards towards Spike. Wes took the hint and plunged his tongue into Spike's ass while Angel filled the vacancy in Lindsey with his own cock.
Lindsey gasped around Spike's thick shaft as he was abruptly filled with something that felt considerably larger than a carrot, or cucumber...or actually a watermelon, for that matter...
Instantly, he groaned and pushed back on it, eyes rolling in his head as Angel began to pound into him hard and fast. He really hoped that his dining room table was up to their combined weight moving with vigorous momentum...
Lindsey heard a tell tale creaking and moaned at his cursed thoughts. Angel's thrusting never slowed though and Lindsey soon forgot that the table could give at any moment.
He concentrated instead on enjoying the sensation and continuing his ministrations to Spike. The blond was happily pumping his hips back and forth between Lindsey's and Wesley's talented mouths. He reached forwards to grab the Texan's head, only realizing that he was still holding the cucumber when Lindsey let out a muffled squawk of indignation at almost having his eye poked out.
Angel moaned when Lindsey's distraction caused him to clench around his cock. He slapped Wesley on the ass to get him to move and climbed up onto the table, lifting Lindsey's legs to his shoulders. Wesley let out an indignant huff and turned to bare his needy ass to Spike.
Never one to turn down an ass in need, the vampire pulled free of Lindsey - ignoring his pout - and maneuvered himself so that he was straddling Lindsey’s chest. He then grabbed Wesley and rudely impaled him on his dick, managing to position Wes so that he could stuff his own shaft into Lindsey's hungry mouth. Which the former Watcher promptly did, to a muted 'flmph' of satisfaction.
Lindsey found himself filled at both ends again, just the way he liked it, and sucked Wesley's cock with all he had. He reached a hand down to stroke his own cock as Spike's thrusts pushed Wesley deeper into his throat. It was too much for a mere human and his release burst from him.
As Spike felt the warm splatters of Lindsey's cum all the way up his back, he shuddered with pleasure and gave one final hard pump into Wesley, shooting his load deep inside. Like a chain reaction of ecstasy, Lindsey's throat tightening around his shaft and the sensation of Spike's cock pulsing in his ass pushed Wes over the edge as well.
Hearing the moans of pleasure coming all around him set Angel off as well and he shot streams into Lindsey, holding the human's hips tightly against him and throwing his head back with a loud curse.
Their breathless panting and sloppy post-coital kissing was interrupted by an alarming creak.
"What was that?" demanded Angel anxiously, smacking Lindsey lightly on the ass to shut him up as he tried to speak around Wesley's softening cock. He listened intently, trying to figure out the source of the sound.
He soon had his answer as the table suddenly gave an alarming lurch and cocks and asses all went flying as the table collapsed under them. They all shouted out, Lindsey and Wesley the loudest as they had still-hard vampire dicks buried inside them. Several painful seconds later found them scattered in a tangle of limbs, surrounded by broken wood and squashed vegetables as if they'd just crash landed in a Bangkok market.
Spike followed their yells with a yelp of his own as a large splinter somehow managed to imbed itself in his ass. "Damn it, Peaches. If you weren't such a lard ass, the table might have made it!" Then he moaned as Wesley tried to hold back a burst of laughter and clenched around the cock still deep inside him.
"Wait, what did you call me?" demanded Angel with a growl, somewhat distracted by a weird sensation in his anal region. Glaring at Spike, he reached behind himself to assess what was causing the discomfort, immensely disturbed to find an entire cucumber embedded in his back passage.
As Spike got over his former disgruntlement enough to laugh merrily at the bigger vampire, Angel reached forwards to cuff him around the ear, which had the unexpected side effect of jabbing Lindsey's prostate. As he cried out in surprised pleasure and clamped down on Angel's dick, it occurred to them all that fighting could wait until later.
After all, there were still several cucumbers unaccounted for…
THE END.
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Glad it made you laugh. Made us laugh pretty dang hard while we were writing it.
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He soon had his answer as the table suddenly gave an alarming lurch and cocks and asses all went flying as the table collapsed under them. They all shouted out, Lindsey and Wesley the loudest as they had still-hard vampire dicks buried inside them.
This was hilarious. I especially like the part about the still-hard vampire dicks. I think this is the first time I consciously realized that a vampire dick had supernatural powers.
Thank you for pointing that out. I do like to be in a constant state of learning.
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And yes, vampire dicks have just as many supernatural powers as vampires themselves. Maybe more. I mean really, have you seen how much action Spike gets?
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This was hilarious.
It's just like Angel to be the one that breaks the table.
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Spike followed their yells with a yelp of his own as a large splinter somehow managed to imbed itself in his ass. "Damn it, Peaches. If you weren't such a lard ass, the table might have made it!" Then he moaned as Wesley tried to hold back a burst of laughter and clenched around the cock still deep inside him.
soooo giggling over that!
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