Rebellious Desire part 14

[jasonsnene]

Title: Rebellious Desire (14/?)

Author: jasonsnene

Pairing: Angel/Xander, Spike/Riley, Graham/Andrew

Rating: NC17

Betas:   carinas_carinae  and aayesha_r 

Warnings: AU, M/M, some violence , uh...maybe a bit of angst. Just a smidge really...kinda.

Banner by:  purpledodah 

Summary: Modern, slashy version of a historical romance novel I read recently. Just, you know, cause I wanted to.

Previous Parts

 

Rebellious Desire part 14

 

 

Xander’s hope that Angel would be gone when he returned from changing was quickly dashed. Angel was standing exactly where he’d been when Xander left the room. Not willing to argue again, Xander simply ignored him, getting into bed and pulling the covers up tightly. He didn’t think he would be able to sleep, but the long day and excitement had left him drained and as soon as the covers warmed up around him, Xander dozed. 

 

Angel stood frozen as Xander left the room and continued to be still when he returned. He couldn’t believe that Xander was ending things like this. How could he just throw away what they were building? How could he just roll over and go to sleep when Angel was ready to scream and rant and throw things?

 

The pain in his chest wasn’t entirely unexpected. Angel had felt a similar sensation once before. Of course, that time his lover had actually been cheating, and he’d felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. It didn’t help that his brother was right by his side, saying ‘I told you so’ in that pompous way of his that made Angel feel small and weak.

 

Yes, the pain was real, but this time we wasn’t going to just walk away; this time he was going to fight because he knew that what he had this time was the real deal. His relationship with Penn paled in comparison. In fact, there was really no comparison to be made at all. 

 

Angel thought back on Xander’s words, and winced at every one that had hit its mark. Xander was right; his words were his biggest weapon, sharper and deadlier than any other in his arsenal. Right next to his words was his lack of trust. In his business, his wariness suited him well and helped him solve cases quickly. In his personal life, his inability to trust was destroying him.

 

Staring down at Xander’s sleeping form, Angel swore to do better. He couldn’t let Xander get away; he had to make him understand somehow, some way, that his feelings were real and that his issues had nothing to do with Xander and everything to do with his past. He hadn’t opened up to Xander about the catastrophe that was Penn, and maybe it was time he did. Maybe.

 

Stripping off his jacket and tie, Angel suddenly felt his own weariness. The adrenaline rush that had come from seeing Xander with Hamilton and the fight afterwards had long since worn off. Angel was running on pure emotion now, and his emotions were running low. He kicked off his shoes and removed his shirt and pants. Even thinking was hard now, and Angel moved without conscious thought toward his actions.

 

Everything inside him was telling him not to go, not to lose Xander. He followed his instincts and carefully pulled back the covers and slid into bed. He edged up behind Xander, assuming the spooning position that they’d become so used to sharing recently. Xander sighed and moved back against him. Angel couldn’t help reaching around and hugging Xander tightly to him, desperate for any touch.

 

Angel knew the moment Xander woke up and realized that he hadn’t left. He felt Xander’s body tense in his arms and became desperate to make things better. Angel shifted and rolled Xander towards him, then pressed his own body close against Xander’s side. Leaning over, he brushed his fingers along Xander’s cheek and when his lips parted to speak, Angel simply covered them with his own.

 

He knew he was taking advantage, knew that Xander was still mostly asleep, so he kept the kiss soft, his lips ghosting over Xander’s, tasting them and learning their texture all over again. He loved to lave Xander’s lower lip with his tongue, getting his taste on Xander’s mouth and then kissing it away again. Xander slowly started to respond, his lips parting under the pressure of Angel’s, and his tongue slipping out to taste as well.

 

Soon, the kiss was heated, and Angel rolled over slipping one leg between Xander’s. He could feel Xander’s erection, growing and filling against his stomach. His own cock was aching, already desperate to find release. Angel moved against Xander’s hip needing to feel the slip-slide of the thrusts.

 

With Xander’s arms wrapped around him, Angel pushed himself over, easing Xander’s legs further apart. He lined up their erections, grinding them together and moaning into Xander’s lips before pulling away and tugging frantically at Xander’s sleep pants. 

 

When they were off, he shoved his own boxers down, kicking them away while reaching for the lube. He slowly slid one slick finger to Xander’s entrance, pushing inside and preparing the way. Angel didn’t want to wait, though - couldn’t wait - and quickly sheathed and slicked himself. 

 

He moved into position, his cock nudging Xander’s hole, and pushed forward as he captured Xander’s lips in another kiss. He moved slowly, feeling Xander’s body stretch and welcome him inside it. When he was fully seated, Angel pushed up on his arms and started pumping his hips frantically.

 

Angel hooked his arms around Xander’s legs, pulling them up further and spreading him wider. His movements became instinctual, his head thrown back as the heat and tightness of Xander’s body aroused him to a feverish pitch. Faster and harder, deeper and longer, his body moved to its own rhythm, taking Xander’s along for the ride.

 

Xander’s hand reached for his cock and stroked it in time to Angel’s thrusts. His body arched and shuddered as his release came. Angel watched the fluids splatter along Xander’s stomach and wanted nothing more than to add to the collection. He slid free of Xander’s body, jerked off the condom and pulled his cock in a punishing grip. 

 

His orgasm came quickly and his come joined Xander’s, pooling and sliding along his warm skin. Angel reached for it, dragging his fingers through their emissions, rubbing them into Xander’s skin, joining them into one inseparable mixture. It was mesmerizing watching the patterns form and then blur under his fingers, feeling the liquid cool and become sticky under his touch.

 

Xander’s head moved and it drew Angel out of his trance. Angel couldn’t name the expression on Xander’s face, but whatever it was, it frightened him. He leaned slowly over Xander, his sticky hand still resting on Xander’s stomach.  Xander didn’t acknowledge him, simply continuing to stare off to the side. “Xander?”

 

He still didn’t move, and Angel noticed the glimmer of tears in his eyes. “Xander? You okay? Did I hurt you?” Silence. “Oh God, you wanted it, didn’t you? Oh God, please tell me I didn’t…”

 

Xander blinked and turned back to Angel. His hand reached up and brushed Angel’s cheek. “Don’t even think that. Of course I wanted it. I’m just…God, Angel, this hurts so much. I can’t keep doing this. One minute, you’re the Angel that I love. I look at you, and I can see it in your eyes. It fills them and I can’t believe how lucky I am. Then you change and get so cold and locked away. I don’t know how to love you both.”

 

The sad thing was, Angel knew he was right. There were two of him, one part that he held very close, protected against any and all who might wish him harm. Then there was the part he showed to the world, the cold, ruthless man who was so successful at his career. If he didn’t find a way to merge the two, to put the past behind him, he would never be able to have a future with Xander.

 

Angel slid further down the bed beside Xander and took several deep breaths. Xander seemed to realize that Angel was gathering his courage and rolled over so that they were facing each other. Angel’s hand reached out and Xander gripped it tightly in his. Angel closed his eyes and began to speak.

 

His voice was so soft that Xander had to lean further in just to hear him. “When I was young, oh eighteen or nineteen, I hadn’t really experienced much in the form of love. I’d dated some, but none of that love that really gets you, you know? I knew there was someone out there for me, though, and I was content to wait.”

 

Angel paused and gripped Xander’s hand harder. “I didn’t have to wait long. I was out at a party one night with my older brother, and I met this guy. My stomach dropped and my heart raced the moment I laid eyes on him. We left the party together and were practically inseparable for months.”

 

Xander cringed, knowing that this wasn’t going to end well, and hating that Angel had been hurt, was still hurting, from something that happened so long ago. Angel wasn’t even seeing him now; he was staring off into space, lost in his past.

 

“My brother warned me, told me that Penn was no good. I laughed it off. I thought he was jealous. Can you believe that? God, I was so young, so stupid, so in love. I really believed that he just didn’t want me to be happy, didn’t want me to find love before he did. My brother and I fought, and I didn’t speak to him for days. Then he showed up one night and asked me to hang out.”

 

“I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay home and wait for Penn. He was supposed to be coming over later that night, and I wanted to be there when he got there, but it was my brother, and we’d never really fought before, so I went. I was surprised when we went to this big party that was being held just a few streets over from us. It wasn’t really my brother’s scene but I thought he was trying to do something that I would enjoy, just to try to mend things, you know?”

 

Xander nodded, stroking his thumb softly over Angel’s still clenching hand. “We went inside, and I could tell right away that something was off, but I didn’t know what. Everyone kept darting these little pitying glances at us. I thought that they had all heard that we’d been fighting. But no, they knew.”

 

“My brother led me up the stairs and I followed, not really thinking about it. He threw open a bedroom door, and there was Penn in bed with someone else. He looked over at me, and I’d never seen anyone look at me with such hate before. The guy who was fucking him stopped moving and looked over at us. Penn grabbed his head, turned his face back towards him and asked if he’d told him to stop. The guy started fucking him again and Penn never looked back.”

 

Xander gasped, even knowing that it was coming, knowing that something like that had to have happened to cause Angel to act the way he did. He felt like he was going to be sick, but Angel wasn’t finished.

 

“My brother pulled the door closed and looked me in the eye. He said, ‘I told you, Angel.’ Then he laughed and said I was foolish to trust so easily. I was frozen, couldn’t move. I thought someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. My brother walked away, and I stumbled out of the party and walked all the way home.”

 

“When I got back to the house, my father was waiting up for me. He saw how shattered I was and smiled. He smiled, Xander! Then he said he hoped I’d learned my lesson. They were in on it together. I went into a rage and grabbed my keys and went back to the party. I went nuts, and everyone had to pull me off of both Penn and his lover, and later my brother.”

 

Angel’s eyes cleared, and he focused on Xander again. “Everyone heard about that night. Hell, my father tried to pay off as many people as he could to keep it out of the papers, but word still got around. I joined the military the next week, and I didn’t talk to my father or brother much after that. Then they died, and I could never talk to them about what they’d done, never know why they’d done it that way. But I took the lesson to heart. I never trusted anyone again.”

 

He leaned in and put his forehead against Xander’s. “But I want to, I want more than anything to trust you. And I do, really. When I saw Hamilton tonight, I’ll admit that the first thing that came to mind was betrayal and pain. But I swear to you Xander, once the haze cleared, I knew the truth.” For the first time, Angel’s voice broke, and Xander saw how hard it was for him to continue. “I knew that you hadn’t done anything. But by then the damage was done, and I saw the way you looked at me, and I took out the rage that look caused on Hamilton. I’m sorry you saw me like that.”

 

Xander pushed Angel gently over onto his back and leaned over him. He ran his fingers gently over the worry lines that had formed on Angel’s face. “I want you to know something, Angel. Hear me, and know this: I will never, ever betray you. NEVER, EVER. I don’t care if you walk in on me in bed with some other man, I want you to know, know deep in your heart, that there is something else going on, because I will NEVER do that to you. Do you hear me?”

 

Angel nodded, a quick gesture of his head. He could see the sincerity on Xander’s face, could feel the emotion in his voice and in his caressing fingers. “I believe you.”

 

“Good. Now, where’s this asshole, Penn? Cause I really, really want to beat him down.”

 

Angel smiled and leaned up to press a quick kiss to Xander’s lips. “I’ll find him for you.”

 

“Thanks. But, um, can you do that tomorrow? Because I could really use a shower and some sleep about now.” Xander smiled crookedly at Angel and pushed out of the bed. He held out his hand for Angel, who reached out and clasped it with his own. They went into the bathroom and showered, washing away all the pain and fear. Tomorrow was a new day, and they would tackle it together.