Naked Clue

[jasonsnene]

Title:  Naked Clue
Authors:  ash_carpenter and jasonsnene
Pairing:  Uh, everybody (Angel, Spike, Wesley, Xander, Lorne, Gunn and Lindsey)
Rating:  NC17
Warnings:  crackfic porn...um... M, M/M, M/M/M, M/M/M/M, M/M/M/M/M...think that about covers it.  Oh, and bondage.  Oh..and vegetables used in new and unusual ways. 
Disclaimer:  Pfft.  We SOOO don't own 'em.  If we did stuff like this would have happened daily and think how tired the boys would be...
2nd Disclaimer:  No matter what ash tells you, this is all *her* fault.  Just like her to blame me and say I came up with this idea and then pestered her into writing it with me or something.  Which is *soooo* not what happened!  Exactly...well, maybe a little...
3rd Disclaimer:  Crackfic happens.

Summary:  Lindsey's macho guys night doesn't quite end up like he'd planned...

Naked Clue

 

 

The boys all looked at each other across the table. The grand "boys' night" that they'd pissed Fred off by not inviting her to wasn't working out quite as macho as they'd intended. Turned out that Spike was the only one who knew how to play poker and Lindsey had forgotten to subscribe to any sports channels.

 

In desperation, Lindsey frantically tried to remember any games they could play. Then it came to him. He'd been to one of those crazy "murder mystery" nights and played Killer Clue or some such nonsense. These guys would probably all get off on playing ‘crime solver’ outside of the demon world. And, on the up side, he might just be able to get Spike alone for a while.

 

When he located the board game and brandished it, they all looked at him slightly dubiously. However, he managed to sell it to them by claiming that they could each be one of the characters and use the actual rooms of his house as the potential murder locations, as well as actual weapons. The draw of the interactiveness proved too much for them, although they all scoffed that it was ridiculous as they surreptitiously checked out which character they wanted to be.

 

Angel snatched up the Colonel Mustard card before the rest of them could react. Spike and Wesley got in a tugging match over Professor Plum. Spike ended up shoving Wesley out of his chair and he landed conveniently on Angel's cushy lap, thus escaping any serious injury. Spike then held up the card in triumph. 

 

"Ha! I'm a Professor! In your face, Percy! Oh wait...Plum? That sounds a bit poncy," he muttered. Clearly, whoever had invented this stupid game hadn't realised that "plums" was a Briticism for "balls". He frowned. "I want to be Professor...Cherry," he announced.

 

Angel couldn't hold back his snort of disbelief. "Cherry? Spike you haven't had a cherry in years."

 

While Spike sent a glare that would dust if it became any more potent in Angel's direction, the rest of the gang battled it out over the remaining characters. Lindsey seemed fairly pleased about snatching up Miss Scarlet, although Wesley was certainly looking less than happy about being lumbered with Miss Peacock.

 

Spike decided to rub in his success in being the Professor again. "Look Percy, you've got blue balls all the time anyway ‘cause the pouf won't put out. Ya might as well take on the Peacock bint!"

 

As Wes spluttered indignantly, looking more British than ever, Gunn frowned at his card. "Mrs. White?! What the fuck? Dude...seriously?"

 

Lindsey just smirked before handing the Rev. Green card over to Lorne. The demon beamed at him. "Excellent choice, sugar lips! I think I can get right into this character."

 

Gunn, not willing to accept his character gracefully, whinged, "Well, if he gets to be Green, then surely I should at least be Mrs. Black? I mean, Mr. Black. Or...ooh...Sir Black?"

 

Spike raised an eyebrow at him. "Come on, Charlie...Surely even you can appreciate the irony?"

 

Xander looked around the table, puzzled. "Hey, who am I supposed to be? There's no more cards! That's not fair! I wanted to play!!"

 

Lindsey, trying spectacularly unsuccessfully to stifle an amused and gleeful grin, said, "You can be the dead body. Go lie in the basement." Ha! That should stop the annoyingly hot, babbling little jerk from getting in between him and Spike...

 

Angel, still cuddling a pouting Wesley on his lap, asked the obvious question. "Ok, so what next? Do we get weapons? I really want weapons."

 

"Sure. Weapons, I can do," asserted Lindsey, a little more confidently than his meagre arsenal warranted. He rose and set about searching out the weapons on the cards. Lead piping and rope were fairly easy - although why they were in the bedroom was something best left unexamined - but he was having slightly more trouble with the candlestick, wrench and revolver. In addition, the only clean knives he had floating around were two butter knives and a cake slice....Not too scary. He decided that some substitutes would have to do.

 

He looked around the kitchen. Candlestick…What did he have that could be a candlestick? He opened the fridge and snerked. Well, the cucumber was long and thin. It could pass for a candlestick. With a chuckle, Lindsey added it to the pipe and rope already in his arms.

 

Okay, three down...What now? He was quite sure that he had nothing resembling a wrench, knife or revolver. However, he did have a rolling pin and a turkey baster. Trying not to think about the aspersions that cast on his manliness, he set about looking for a final weapon. The only thing he could think of was his flashlight. Hell, at least it was fairly hefty and considerably more macho than his other option of a feather duster...

 

Spike paced, impatiently waiting for Lindsey to get back with the weapons. Angel and Wesley were now doing things that he really didn't want to see unless he was a part of. Damn, he shouldn't have made that comment earlier about Angel not putting out. Now, he wouldn't get any tonight for sure from old broody pants. Lindsey would put out though, of that he was sure. Lindsey came back in and handed them each a weapon. Spike held his up in confusion. "Wot the fuck is this? How the hell would I kill a bloke with one of these?!”

 

"That's a turkey baster, Spike," replied Lindsey, trying to sound superior, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

"So, I'm wot? Supposed to baste someone to death?" demanded the vampire crossly.

 

Before Lindsey could suggest that he shoved it up his ass and shut the hell up, Gunn butted in. "A rolling pin? Man, I gotta wonder...Why the hell do you even have one of these?!"

 

Lindsey scrambled to think of an appropriate response to his rolling pin but nothing was coming to mind. Xander, of course, piped in with his own version of humor. "Oh man, you bake? You're like the evil Betty Crocker! Do you have one of those little frilly aprons?" Of course, the thought of Lindsey in a frilly apron and nothing else was doing strange things to Xander's cock that he preferred not to delve into too deeply.

 

Forcibly restraining himself from proving to the assembled group just how dangerous a turkey baster and a cucumber could prove to someone's health if you were really determined, he snapped, "Shouldn't you be in the basement?" With any luck, he'd fall and knock himself out. Lindsey suddenly found his head full of disturbing images of fun things to do to an unconscious, naked Xander, and tried to push them away. Wait...naked?

 

Lorne found himself thinking similar thoughts. If they were sending Xander down to the basement, alone, the green demon wondered just how long it would take before he could sneak his way down there to have a little fun. He frowned down at his ‘weapon’ – the cucumber. These green jokes really were getting out of hand…

 

While Angel, Gunn, Wesley and Spike all privately pondered ways to "accidentally" find their way into the basement, Lindsey set up the board and rolled the dice to determine which rooms each of them would start out in. He didn't have as many rooms as the game, but managed to send Gunn to the kitchen, Angel to the bathroom (which had wall to ceiling mirrors and would irritate the hell out of him), Wesley to the living room, Lorne to the study and Spike to his bedroom...Not that there was any cheating going on, of course....

 

Spike smiled smugly when Lindsey assigned him the bedroom. He looked over at Angel and grinned. He’d be in the bedroom and he was pretty sure Lindsey would be slipping right in behind him. Well, he’d be the one slipping it in from behind, but anyway…The bedroom. Perfect. Spike wondered if Lindsey still had the set of flavored lubes he’d gotten him for Christmas? Nah, probably not. It was the end of January. They were probably long gone by now…

 

As they headed for their respective rooms, they all grumbled - apart from Lindsey and Spike, who were grinning broadly. It was only as they reached their destinations that they realised that they hadn't really thought through the rules of the game very clearly...Wes, Lorne, Angel and Gunn all stood alone, shifting from foot to foot and wondering what the hell they were supposed to do next. Lindsey, who'd been too fixated on the idea of getting the blond into his bedroom, had forgotten to tell them the next stage of the game...

 

Lorne decided to take advantage…er, control of the situation since, from the sounds already emanating from the bedroom, Lindsey would not be available to tell them the rules. Lorne didn’t mind; he had his own game in mind. Strip Xander. He wondered if the younger man was naïve enough to fall for the strip search gimmick he was planning?

 

Sidling up to the basement door, whistling an innocuous tune - as if that would fool any potential witnesses that his intentions were entirely innocent - he cast a quick glance around. The coast was clear. He slipped through the door and descended into the basement, noting with affection that Xander was determinedly tackling his role and lying flat on his back, spread-eagled on the floor. How thoughtful of him....

 

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Angel had Wesley bent over the sink and was busily stripping him. He had discarded his flashlight in the bath – and what the hell did he need with a flashlight anyway? Hello, vampire with enhanced eyesight here…The human was watching his clothes magically disappear while his reflection-resistant lover worked behind him. Wesley took a quick glance down at his aching erection and pouted. Spike had a point. His balls were a bit blue-tinged. Angel better take care of that and quick. He’d be coming first or Angel wouldn’t be coming at ALL.

 

Gunn hummed to himself, trying to pretend that he wasn't bored. He could hear noises from other parts of the house, so everyone was clearly immersed in the game. He wondered how he'd managed to miss out on hearing the rules? It was probably his own fault for trying to imagine inventive substances to baste Wesley with. Still, someone would surely be along in a minute to tell him what to do...Any minute now. Maybe he'd just have a look through Lindsey's cupboards and fridge to pass the time...

Spike had Lindsey tied to the bed with Lindsey’s convenient weapon of the night: rope. Lindsey obviously planned ahead. Not that Spike minded. He was currently thinking of just what he could do with that turkey baster. Hmm…

 

"Where's the lubricant, cowboy?" he asked and Lindsey snorted. Where wasn't the lubricant...? He had it stashed all over the house in case of emergency. Grinning, he directed Spike to the middle drawer of his nightstand; he'd saved one packet of his Christmas present for just such an occasion...

 

Spike grinned when he pulled out the cherry-flavored lube. "Hah!" he thought, "and here the pouf thought I hadn't had a cherry in years. Gonna be getting some cherry action tonight!" The thought that Angel would be able to smell the fruity slick was an added bonus.

 

As the vampire greased himself up in preparation for playing his favourite game of 'ride the hog-tied cowboy', Lorne was busily muttering something about "clues" and "causes of death" in order to trick the prone Xander into thinking that he was still playing the game. It was only as a green hand sinuously worked its way into his jockeys that the boy began to suspect that something might be amiss. He cracked open an eye, but the demon gave him such a comforting smile that he shrugged off his misgivings.

 

Angel pounded into Wesley, cursing Lindsey yet again for putting them in the damn bathroom. All these mirrors were freaking him out. On the plus side, it gave him a really great view of Wesley from all angles as he got fucked. Look at that, Spike was wrong after all. Angel really could think positively. As soon as Wesley moaned and clenched around him though he stopped thinking altogether, although he got a rude shock a couple of seconds later as the human dropped his lead pipe and it came perilously close to landing on his foot. There was just nothing sexy about broken toes…

 

As Angel entertained himself with the reflected sight of Wesley's magically stretched asshole, Gunn pulled the oven glove free from a drawer. Oooh, soft. He looked down at his body, covered only by a flimsy, frilly apron. Well, he'd been bored dammit! No-one had even bothered to come to find him! Pouting, he slipped his hand into the glove. Checking over his shoulder that his rather odd behaviour wasn't being observed, he snuck it underneath the apron. 

 

Lorne had managed to get Xander completely naked within minutes of his arrival in the basement. Really, he just wondered aloud if there was a clue on his shirt, in his pants, in his jockeys and Xander, being dead, allowed him to do whatever the hell he pleased. Which Lorne was currently doing as he licked and sucked along Xander's shaft. You never knew where you might find a clue.

 

Xander supposed that, if he was honest, he'd figured out a little while back that something was rotten in Denmark with Lorne's "clue searching". It wasn't even as if he had a foreskin to look under, and he was pretty sure that the demon's saliva and questing hands were destroying all of the "forensic evidence" that he claimed to be looking for...

 

Lorne was doing such a thorough search that he didn’t even notice the door to the basement opening. Of course, with Xander’s thighs clamped around his ears while his overly long tongue jabbed the curiously clue-free asshole, he could be excused for missing the warning. Spike however, was perfectly content to interrupt.

 

“Oi! It’s my turn to search the body!!”

 

Lorne sighed and left his position, grumbling under his breath about evil vampires and their speed fucking. Things had just been starting to get really good and from what Lorne could smell, Spike had already had a turn with Lindsey.

 

Still, he wasn't one to make a fuss, even if he was all ready and raring to go. He'd just go find Wesley and see if he wanted to play 'hide the cucumber'...and he wasn't talking about his allocated weapon. As he hobbled out of the basement, the slick sound of Spike probing for any internally secreted clues could be heard beneath the moans. 

 

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Angel and Wesley had just come to a spectacular finish, and the mirror in front of Wesley was now decorated rather drippily. Angel wasn’t quite sure how Wes had managed to produce quite that much spunk, but he assumed it meant he’d done his job well. Wesley panted and moaned and collapsed back over the sink. Angel smirked. “Well, I guess I’d better go find the others before they come looking for us.” 

 

Wesley moaned again. “Yes, Angel, you go. I’ll just take a moment to recover and will be right behind you.” Angel didn’t need to be told twice and was out the door in a flash. He wondered if Spike and Lindsey were still in the bedroom…

 

Wesley had barely managed to pull himself upright, grimacing as he realised that he'd inadvertently been resting his forehead in some spunk that had splashed amazingly high, when the bathroom door opened and Lorne sidled in. He was about to splutter and fluster and try to think up some vaguely plausible explanation for the mess when he spotted the very obvious tenting effect at the front of Lorne's garish, and yet jaunty, suit pants...

 

Angel found Lindsey still tied to the bed and while he looked mightily pissed and being left trussed up, there was a mightily pleased expression on his face as well. It seemed Spike had done his own brand of searching for clues. It was only fair that he get to take a turn as well. He leapt onto the bed, bouncing Lindsey into the perfect position while simultaneously freeing his cock from his pants. He didn’t know why he’d bothered to put them back on. Lindsey was bitching about being untied so Angel shut him up by climbing up and stuffing his mouth with cock.

 

Even if Lindsey could complain around Angel's massive dick, he wouldn't have bothered. Saved him the job of begging to suck it, at any rate. He did get slightly miffed however when he tried to grab hold of his own cock to fist it and remembered that his rope didn't stretch that far. As he attempted some muffled protests, which Angel deliberately mistook for pleasurable groans, he wished that his evil fucking hand spent more time learning to unfasten knots and less time pinching people's asses.

 

Speaking of asses getting pinched, Xander was beginning to wonder if Spike was going to explore down there all day or fuck him already. It normally didn’t take him this long to get to it. Lindsey must have really taken it out of him. Xander would comment to that fact but 1) he wasn’t stupid and 2) he was supposed to be the dead guy. And that train of thought got him to wondering about him being the “dead guy” fucking the actual dead guy. Fortunately, before that thought could take off and warp into something he’d rather not think about, Spike slid in and started pounding.

 

As his lust skyrocketed, he comforted himself with the thought that, if they were both dead, then it wasn't particularly deviant for them to have sex. Xander's small, squeaky voice of reason, very quiet from disuse, tried to pipe up with an objection, but luckily a hard jab to the prostate shut it up in a hurry.

 

Gunn waited impatiently for someone to come into the kitchen and find him. The oven mitt just wasn’t cutting it anymore and while he thought he was looking pretty damn hot in the frilly apron, it was wasted if no one came in here to help him out. He eyed the rolling pin weapon Lindsey had provided him earlier but decided that he just wasn’t that brave. Lindsey could probably take it but Gunn didn’t think he would stretch that far. In desperation, he flung open the refrigerator door and cursed when he remembered Lindsey handing out a rather large cucumber to Lorne. Damn. All that was left were some carrots. Well, he supposed they would do.

 

As Gunn gamely tried stuffing three carrots inside to emulate the impressive girth of Lorne's much-coveted cucumber, Xander discovered that it was quite difficult to stay corpse-like when you were getting nailed into the floor and your head was banging against the wall on every thrust. He also wasn't particularly impressed by Spike shouting "Take it, Deadboy!", especially since it gave him the disturbing notion that the vampire was fantasising about Angel.

 

Angel heard Spike’s shout over Lindsey’s muffled begging and he immediately came with a cry of pleasure. He was extremely curious as to just what Spike was doing that he jumped up and left Lindsey stranded on the bed yet again.

 

Lorne also heard the shout but was so busy pumping his cucumber into Wesley that it was easily ignored for other, more pleasant sounds, like the groans of the human as the cucumber stretched him. Leave it to Lindsey to find the largest cucumber in the bin. It was a talent. Course, it was nowhere near the size of Lorne’s cock so he gave it a twist and wiggle that made Wesley writhe.

 

Without Angel's dick as a gag, Lindsey's colourful cursing about being left restrained and, infinitely worse, unsatisfied could be heard reverberating around the house. Wesley and Lorne were both too close to completion to pay any attention, Angel and Spike weren't bothered since they'd both already had a go and Xander didn't think he'd be capable of escaping from beneath the weight of two amorous vampires. Besides, he thought with a nasty smirk, Lindsey had told him to play dead, so he was. Ha! That would show annoying evil hot ex-lawyer cowboy guy. And he really needed to think of a catchier nickname...

 

Gunn also heard the shouting and would really have liked to offer his services, but he appeared to have stuffed in too many carrots and was having trouble retrieving them.

 

Angel managed to roll Spike and Xander so that the vampire was on the bottom. Spike never let up his thrusts though, just let Angel situate them as he wanted while he continued to fuck his new toy. Angel, having extensive experience with Xander’s abilities, used the new position to his advantage, slipping a couple fingers in next to Spike’s cock and making sure there was plenty of room for him. Of course, he wasn’t surprised to find that there was. Xander had been taking cucumber buying advice from Lindsey.

 

While Angel took advantage of Xander's increased sluttiness by easing his leaking cock in beside Spike's eagerly pumping one, Lorne brought Wesley over the edge again with another inventive flick of his wrist. Considering the geyser-like proportions of his previous release, the former Watcher still managed to unload another impressive amount of spunk against Lindsey's unfortunate bathroom mirror.

 

Barely giving him time to catch his breath, Lorne shoved him to his knees and stuffed his dick in Wesley’s mouth in preparation for coming down his throat. The hearty shouts and begs coming from a no-longer-very-corpse-like Xander were enough to send him over the edge.

 

Lindsey screamed in frustration as the sounds of fucking surrounded him. Everyone else just assumed that he was getting fucked again and ignored him for their own duties of fucker or fuckee.

 

Gunn moaned and clenched around his bundle of carrots and hoped that someone would come help him before they had to change his name from Mrs. White to Mr. Orange. Hell, Spike would probably call him Bugs Bunny or something and then he’d be inclined to fuck the smirk right off the vampire’s face. The thought of fucking Spike caused him to clench around the carrots and he heard an oddly disturbing snap.

 

Deciding that limping out of the kitchen dressed only in a frilly apron to ask someone to pull carrots out of his ass was a bit too humiliating, Gunn grabbed some cooking oil out of a cupboard. Maybe if he lubricated his hand up enough, he'd be able to get it inside and grip one...

 

Meanwhile, Wesley and Lorne decided to head on down to the basement to assist Spike and Angel in their in-depth investigation. As they were sneaking down the hall, Lorne heard some squawking from the bedroom that he finally identified as outraged now that his brain wasn't leaking out of his cock. Shrugging, he decided it was worth a look...

 

Lindsey sighed in relief when Lorne came in. Finally someone who wouldn’t think with his dick and would untie him! That hope withered quickly as Lorne realised his helpless position and pounced. It was very fortunate for Lindsey that he was quite lubed from all his earlier efforts because Lorne stuck his cock in with one hard thrust and Lindsey went from shouting in frustration to shouting with glee. Finally, someone who could fill him all the way! Damn that was one big demon dick. Lindsey hoped that Lorne hadn’t had a turn with Xander so he could rub it in his face just how great a fucking he’d gotten.

 

Wesley barely realised that he had lost Lorne en route, distracted as he was by the tangled mass of flesh on the floor. After a couple of moments of careful consideration, he spotted that Angel's rapidly pumping ass was delightfully exposed and vulnerable. Rapidly availing himself of it, lest someone else barge in and take advantage of his opportunity, he leapt onto the pile and rammed home.

 

It was only as he felt the drag and Angel's surprised and pained shout reached his ears that he cottoned onto the fact that the vampire was unprepared. Oh well. With his advanced healing abilities, he'd get over it...

 

Besides, after the blue balls he’d been faced with for the past few weeks while Angel brooded over some comment Spike had made about his weight, Wesley felt he deserved a little pain in return.

 

Xander felt the additional weight and allowed himself to be pushed deeper onto Angel and Spike’s pounding cocks. Thank goodness he’d actually listened to Lindsey for once and worked on taking bigger cocks up his ass through the clever use of dildos and convenient cock-shaped household items. Not that he would ever admit to listening to Lindsey, well except to hearing him currently yelling something about big green demon cocks. 

 

Actually, sandwiched between the weight of three grown men - one of them having grown rather more than he should of late, although mentioning that fact was likely to result in a Force 10 brood - Xander was a little concerned that his role of "dead body" was about to get alarmingly literal. On the other hand, it felt so damned good that it would definitely be worth it. He was looking forward to rubbing it in Lindsey's face just how great a fucking he'd gotten.

 

Spike, however, wasn’t afraid to tell Angel that his heifer-shaped ass was weighing them all down too much and proceeded to buck up forcefully, sending both Angel and Wesley flying. He glared over at the offending vampire and muttered, “Lard ass” before flipping Xander into a facedown position and sliding back in.

 

His forceful thrusts were hitting Xander right in the prostate and although he wanted to complain over the loss of Angel girth inside him, he decided he’d better not. Then again, maybe he could convince Wesley to come join in. Hmm…there was something he bet Lindsey had never done. Spike and Wesley at once right after Spike and Angel. He was so going to win this game.

 

Unaware of Xander's confusion as to which game they were actually playing, Angel and Wesley both scrambled to find an available hole for their rudely unsheathed cocks. Pissed off by the blond's actions, Angel took great delight in slamming into his unprepared passage as hard as he could with an animalistic grunt. Wes lost no time in leaping back into the fray and re-establishing his position as King of Angel's Arsehole.

 

Xander started whingeing something about wanting Wesley ploughing into him so that he could "get one up on Rockabilly", but there was no chance to decipher his babble before all sounds were drowned out by the orgasmic screams from the bedroom.

 

Gunn whimpered with his hand up his ass as he heard pleasure filled screams emerging from the other end of the house. Dammit! If he could just reach a little further…

 

Lindsey meanwhile was thanking every god and demon he’d ever heard of for the creation of Lorne’s perfect cock. He didn’t know how he’d ever go back to the vampires after having experienced the perfect orgasm at the hands of the green demon. He wondered if Lorne would be willing to give the others pointers…

 

Lorne, feeling both smug and sated - Lindsey really did have a wonderful, slutty little ass and he was just so damned enthusiastic - decided that he really should find out what had become of Wesley. It was only polite, after all.

 

Lindsey was vaguely aware of the demon getting off him, but he was in such a pleasant dreamy haze that it took several minutes for him to realise that he'd been left tied to the bed. AGAIN. Shit!

 

The realisation was only made worse by the fact that Lindsey was sure Xander was off in the basement getting fucked. From the sounds he could hear floating up through the floor, it actually sounded like he was getting royally fucked and that just wasn’t fair. He was supposed to get all the action during the game! Damn doughnut boy was supposed to stay in the basement and play dead. Lindsey pulled against his bindings again, desperate to go join in the fun. Besides, he had to find a way to keep that perfect cock away from Xander’s tight ass. There was no way he was letting Lorne have a go at Xander as long as his hole was available.

 

Gunn was also aware of the increasingly ecstatic sounds of an orgy-in-progress from the basement. He really, really wanted to throw himself into the mix, but unfortunately he had a rather pressing problem at the moment. His hand was stuck up his ass. He couldn't really see how that was possible, considering the half gallon of oil that he'd shoved up there, but it was. The damned carrots must be evil! It was the only explanation...

 

He whimpered and stretched himself out over the counter, tugging fruitlessly.

 

Xander finally couldn’t hold back anymore and screamed his release. He immediately collapsed and resumed his previous role as the dead body. Even he could only get fucked so much before he collapsed; he was only human after all. Spike didn’t seem to care. He just rolled Xander onto his side and lifted Xander’s leg up to support himself on as Angel continued to pound into him, forcing him deeper into Xander’s still spasming hole. The upside for Xander in this was that he was able to see Lorne coming down the stairs and his eyes flew open upon seeing the massive meat hanging between the demons legs.

 

The reason for all of Lindsey's screaming suddenly became all too apparent and Xander privately seethed. Sure, he'd been having an orgy, but that was so...blah. The damned cowboy probably had orgies with Spike, Angel and Wes every other day at Wolfram & Hart. YAWN. He had to get him some of that green dick, even if he was so worn out and squashed that he could barely summon the energy to signal to Lorne that he wanted a piece of him. He hoped that the demon comprehended his meaningful, seductive blink.

 

Lorne, being the clever empath demon that he was, picked right up on Xander’s desire and moved into position. Now, how to get Angel, Wesley and Spike out of the way so he could finally get his turn at Xander…? Right, an ear piercing shriek at the highest register of his voice should do it. 

 

Lindsey, upon hearing the window-rattling cry, figured out what was going on and began gnawing on his ropes in a desperate attempt to get free, trying not to sob like a little girl. He couldn't stand the thought of his new fucktoy....er, Lorne screwing that stupid whelp. He was the worst damned corpse in the history of Clue! He was gratified to hear growls and snarls emanating from the basement. Hopefully the vampires would put a stop to the whole debacle! And...was that a cry from the kitchen? What the hell?

 

Angel and Spike’s sensitive vampire hearing were the worst impacted by Lorne’s note. They scrambled away from the offending sound and left Xander wide open for Lorne. Xander, realising that this was the opportunity of his lifetime, immediately rolled to his back and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was going to make sure he was open to every inch of what Lorne had to give him. 

 

Spike recovered with a pout and when Xander moaned as Lorne slid in, Spike used the opportunity to stick his needy dick into Xander’s only available hole. Angel, realising that Spike was again in a position to be fucked, resumed his position. Wesley, however, realised that there was now a new opening, and he eyed Lorne’s ass speculatively. 

 

Angel, Lorne, Angel, Lorne...To be fair, Angel's ass was more comfortable, what with being so well padded. However, he guessed that Lorne's would be tighter. For one thing, he'd already pounded the vampire's wide open. And, for another, he was coming to suspect that Angel was lying through his back teeth when he claimed that he didn't let Spike top him very often...

 

All it took was one come hither glance from Lorne and his decision was made. Wesley moved into position and pushed against Lorne’s opening. Then Lorne did…something…and Wesley swore it was like his cock was being swallowed whole. Lorne’s ass was clenching around him and pulling him tighter with each thrust. Wesley didn’t even have to move! As Lorne pushed back and forth, into Xander and onto Wesley, both humans began screaming and moaning. Spike and Angel pulled back and watched the show in wonder. 

 

Damn. He was good.

 

They were a little jealous, they had to admit. Although whether they were jealous because Lorne had made all three of their humans scream or because they wanted him to make them scream was up for debate. However, with both of their cocks currently straining for release, they realised that now was not the time to worry about it.

 

Eyes riveted on the pleasing sight in front of them, they resumed fucking.

 

Their sensitive hearing had recovered enough from Lorne's onslaught to pick up what sounded suspiciously like weeping from a couple of other rooms in the house, but they couldn't quite seem to care.

 

Lorne did a particular thrust he’d learned back in his Pylea days and both Xander and Wesley groaned in pleasure. The next thrust, he added a little twist, not unlike the cucumber manoeuvre he’d done on Wesley earlier. With the added girth of his cock though, it made Xander scream his name in pleasure. He was so pleased at the sound that he added a swivel to his clenching ass and then he nodded his satisfaction when Wesley called out his name as well. The vampires were going at it like bunnies, watching and learning his moves. Lorne was determined to give them quite a show.

 

Gunn shouted out in triumph as he finally managed to yank his hand free of the Bermuda Triangle that was his ass. He'd even managed to find the missing carrot, he noted with satisfaction. He took a quick, sheepish glance at his watch to determine how long he'd been rooting around in his anus like it was a lucky dip. Hmmm. No watch. That was strange. Where had that gotten to...?

 

He took a step towards the trash can and felt a strange fullness from his backside. Oh hell, no! He’d just gotten the carrots out…now his watch was stuck up there. He’d never been so glad to have the guys forget about him. They would never let him live this one down. He greased his hand up again, noticing sheepishly that the oil was nearly gone, and bent back over the counter. He had to get his watch back. It was a gift from Fred. She’d notice if it went missing.

 

Lindsey began to swear in such an inventive and filthy way that he was pretty sure the air was turning blue. His wrists were chafed to fuck, he'd chipped a tooth on the rope - which had to be steel-enforced - and almost snapped two wooden railings off his bed. But he was still stuck. And he could tell from the screams that Lorne was sharing himself about. That green slut! Clearly, he'd sleep with anyone! The irony of his diatribe against the demon was entirely lost on him. 

 

Xander was in turn cheering for the amazing fucking he was receiving and gloating over the fact that Lindsey wasn’t here and was therefore not getting any of this action. His cock was renewing its interest in the events with surprising speed. He normally had human recovery time but now he was perking right back up.

 

He noticed Spike eyeing his rapidly filling cock with interest as the blond took a pounding from Angel. Before he could realize what was happening, Spike was diving in between his and Lorne’s bodies and sucking him down. Xander thanked every god and demon he could think of for whomever had invented orgies

 

Lorne had been concentrating so much on being a fucking GOD and snapping his hips in wild and brilliant ways that he didn't realise how much he'd turned himself on until he felt his orgasm building; all three of his balls were drawn up tight to his body. Fortunately, he'd pushed Wesley to the brink too with all his clenching and he could tell from the way that Xander was bucking his hips up into Spike's hungry mouth that he was on the edge as well.

 

Throwing his head back, Lorne let go, giving a loud wail that sounded suspiciously like the riff to Foxey Lady.

 

Xander screamed in ecstasy when Lorne’s incredibly hot fluid filled him. He thought he might have blacked out for a moment but came back quickly when Spike increased the suction on his cock and he blew his load in the vampire’s mouth. Spike swallowed hungrily and clenched his ass around Angel so tightly that the other vampire wailed and sent his come deep into Spike. In return, Spike felt his own orgasm burst from him, coating both Xander and the floor. 

 

And Wesley, not to be left out, not only unloaded into Lorne, but he pulled out and sprayed the rest of them as well. He’d had a lot of build up in his abstinence these past few weeks. He made extra sure to give Angel a good dousing in revenge. The vampire hated being sticky. 

 

They collapsed in a tacky heap, looking as if they were all competing to be the best "dead body" with their glazed eyes and boneless limbs. As they finally began to rouse themselves, wondering curiously about the strange sounds from the kitchen and when Lindsey was going to run out of expletives, it occurred to them that they were no closer to having discovered the identity of the killer.

 

Lorne thought that “Lorne in the basement with the cucumber” had a nice ring to it. He certainly appeared to have fucked the life right out of Xander. Spike was convinced that he was the winner with “Spike in the bedroom with the rope” as it seemed that everyone had gotten a turn at Lindsey due to his sheer brilliance in tying him up.

 

Angel didn’t really care who won as long as he got to fuck them all again…and soon. Wesley was cataloguing all the incredible ways Lorne’s body had tormented his thrusting prick, needing to remember every detail to add to his diary later. For research purposes only, of course.

 

Xander was happy to concentrate on being dead, not giving a damn who'd killed him. For what it was worth, he was pretty sure that it was a tag-team effort, which was something that he was relishing the opportunity to rub in when he saw Lindsey later. Once he could walk again, that was.

 

Meanwhile, Gunn was worriedly chewing on his lip and he attempted to wrestle his watch out of his ass; he was beginning to think that his liberal application of oil may have been a mistake as he could seem to get any purchase on the damned thing. And now, it had all gone quiet down below...This was bad.

 

Wesley scrambled to his feet first, satisfied that he had committed every detail of the fucking he’d given Lorne to memory and he pulled Lorne up beside him. Angel and Spike stood next and wondered if Xander would ever be able to move again. They doubted it, so between the two of them, they scooped him up and started for the stairs. Lorne and Wesley followed and they made their way to the kitchen, conveniently forgetting about Lindsey again in their quest for drinks. They’d all lost a lot of fluid, after all.

 

Shocked gasps filled the room at the sight that greeted the debauched gang. Gunn looked up from his position wriggling around on the counter, forearm deep in his own back passage and nude apart from a rather fetching apron that Lindsey had no business owning.

 

Spotting that he had been busted, he squeaked in surprise and embarrassment and promptly fell off onto the floor, landing in a painful and ungainly heap. There was a loud clatter as his watch was shaken free and went skating across the linoleum.

 

Spike arched a brow. “Got the time, Gunn?” 

 

Xander snorted and then moaned as it caused his extremely stretched ass to clench. Wesley was trying to figure out just how Gunn had managed to get his watch there when he noticed the rather oily and used looking carrots lying all over the floor. And speaking of the floor, it was covered in oil as well. What the hell had Gunn been doing in here all this time?

 

All of them looked at each other in confusion, waiting for someone to explain what they had done to the black man to get him into such a mess. At the blank stares, they all slowly realised that no-one had had anything to do with Gunn's current sorry state apart from Gunn himself. Clearly he'd misinterpreted the game: this was a murder scene, not a suicide attempt...Although why his chosen weapons were oil and an entire bunch of carrots was anyone's guess. 

 

Angel, being the take charge kind of vampire that he was, handed Xander off to Spike and stepped into the kitchen to find out what the hell had happened. He immediately slipped in the oil and slid into Gunn, the two of them landing in a heap after sliding the length of the kitchen. Wesley, attempting to help, walked into the kitchen carefully but was no match for the near gallon of oil Gunn had used and promptly went down, grabbing Lorne and taking the unfortunate demon with him. Spike, still holding Xander, refrained from joining in the hilarity that was the now groaning pile on the kitchen floor. Funnily enough, this time they weren’t groans of pleasure. 

 

After much cursing and moaning and shooting death glares at an extremely chastened Gunn, the four of them managed to paddle their way back across the kitchen to the relative safety of the carpeted hallway. It took several attempts to get everyone to their feet, especially since there was just no way to get hold of Gunn, who was slithering all over the place. They made quite a sorry bunch, all told.

 

They were about to quiz Gunn about the near-fatal disaster that appeared to have occurred while he was left to his own devices, when they were interrupted by another round of yelling from the direction of the bedroom. If the "horse-fuckin'"s, "ass-humpin'"s, "god-damnable monkey-balled jockstrap"s were anything to go by, not only was Lindsey getting to the end of his curse catalogue, but he wasn't in a very good mood...

 

Spike looked at the oily mess of men in the kitchen and vowed to steer clear. Nothing worse than trying to scrub oil off and he planned on fucking some more later. Slippery wasn’t the way to go. Made it hard to find a grip. He turned towards the bedroom and caught Angel’s gleam of approval. Silly vampire didn’t want to have to deal with Lindsey himself. That didn’t mean Spike would. He started off down the hall only to stop at the hall closet. He pulled out the robes he knew Lindsey kept there, though he wasn’t quite sure of the reason, and slipped one on. Xander, still in a daze, was wrapped in another. Then Spike made a run for the front door.

 

He was outside and halfway down the street before Angel’s bellow of rage reached him. Xander flopped uselessly in his arms. He could have left him behind, but with all that fucking, Spike figured he’d be really horny later and Xander was the easiest of the bunch.

 

Er, easiest to manage that is. Oh hell, who was he kidding? He was just the easiest. Well...easiest except for Lindsey, of course, but he was currently a bit tied up, pun intended. Although, he had to say that he was fairly impressed with Xander's recent sluttiness and intended to take full advantage of it. Spike figured with a little training Xander might just equal Lindsey in slut appeal.

 

Angel couldn't believe that the little shit had done that! Well, actually, he could believe it. In fact, it was typical Spike behaviour...The only thing to do was to be mature and quickly slip out of the back door while Wesley and Lorne were still occupied in righting a flailing Gunn.

Lorne sensed Angel’s departure and knew that they were going to be left holding the bag with Lindsey. Well, not him. He dropped his hold on Gunn and took off after Angel. He slid out into the hall and crashed into Angel, who had stopped to fix his hair before he went outside. Their eyes met and Angel realised just how much he wanted to be on the receiving end of one of Lorne’s miracle orgasms. He grabbed the demon’s arm and took off out the front door.

 

Lorne's abrupt runner had upset Gunn's balance again and he went down hard. Wesley looked down at his unfortunate friend flailing on the floor and battled with his conscience. From the breaking sounds issuing from the bedroom, it seemed only a matter of moments before Lindsey would be free and looking for someone to tear a chunk out of for leaving him tied up and woefully behind Xander in the ‘getting fucked’ stakes. Deciding that Gunn had really dug his own grave with his carrot and oil-based antics, he took his chance and bolted.

 

Gunn wasn’t quite sure why everyone was running away like he had the plague or something. Then he heard a crash and more cursing. Then Lindsey was in the doorway of the kitchen and before Gunn could stop him, he’d slipped on the oil and crashed into Gunn. They went down again, Gunn cursing his obvious overuse of vegetable oil as a lubricant. 

 

Lindsey wasn't sure what he was most annoyed about: that Xander had gotten more action than him, that everyone had refused to untie him from his bed, that they had all run out on him or that his kitchen resembled an arena in a cheap Swedish porn film.

 

Having said that, two armfuls of almost naked, slippery Gunn was going a long way towards improving his mood. And there was a lot to be said for cheap Swedish porn films...

 

Lindsey leered down at Gunn and waggled his eyebrows evilly. “I think it was Gunn, in the kitchen, with the vegetable oil. And I think he needs to be punished.” 

 

With that he slid the non-protesting Gunn around and, for the first time all night, Gunn got fucked by something that wasn’t inanimate. It was about damn time.

 

Later – much later – they staggered into the bathroom and Lindsey gaped at the floor-to-ceiling covering of dried spunk. When he considered the clean-up job that would be required to remove all the oil, soggy vegetables and semen floating around his house, moving was looking like an increasingly appealing option…

 

As they sat in the shower because they were too weak to stand, trying unsuccessfully to scrub the persistent oil off their skin and remove all the vegetables and kitchen implements that had gone AWOL, they had to agree that the evening had turned out fairly well, all things considered.

 

Naked Clue was far more fun than the regular game.

 

Although there was no way in hell that Lindsey was inviting Xander to play again. He was the worst dead body ever and had clearly taken his slut tuition FAR too much to heart…

 

 

THE END.