Title: Go Bananas!
Pairing: Xander, Spike
Warnings: Xander babble
Preferred Rating: Authors choice
Summary of Request: Xander defeats a demon with his powers of babble. I'm looking for a something fun :)
Xander really shouldn’t have been surprised that the night that started as just an ordinary, regular, everyday patrol ended in total disaster. Well, not total disaster…yet. But things weren’t looking so good for the Xan-man.
See, they’d been strolling along the cemetery, giggling and chatting their way through the odd minion or three, when BAM! Along comes this group of like 15 minions and Buffy takes off, stakes flying. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, they hear suspicious chanting behind them, and
Not total disaster, right? Uh huh. Sure. You’d think that with a group of 15 minions and a Slayer, and a group of chanty demons and two witches, that’d be enough for one night. But, oh no, you’d be wrong. ’Cause there were two more demons, and they were headed his way.
And there was no one to call for back up. Well, he could call, but what with the staking and the chanting, he was figuring a healthy dose of Xander screamage might go unnoticed. Instead, Xander got a demon on the left and a demon on the right, who looked like they wanted nothing more than to peel him like a banana and take a bite. Hey, wasn’t that a cheer that Cordy used to do?
The demons drew closer, and Xander kept slowly backing away, trying to keep his mind focused on bananas and not the gut wrenching terror that was flowing through his body. Any time now, Buffy. How long does it take to kill 15 minions anyway?
Suddenly, there was a flash of blond hair and Xander started to cheer when demon on the left was taken on by….Spike? Huh? What? Whoa. Spike was kicking the shit out of demon on the left guy! Which meant there was only…
Yep, demon on the right guy still looked like he wanted to peel Xander’s banana. Xander let out a little whimper. Damn it. He refused to go to his death terrified. No, he would face down demon-on-the-right claws with happy thoughts. Like…banana splits. Now that was a happy thought.
Xander realized that the demon had stopped its approach and was looking at him curiously. “Oops. Did I say that out loud?”
The demon tilted its head the other direction and started approaching again. “No, no. Wait. Mmmm….Banana Split!”
The demon stopped again. Xander knew an opportunity when he saw one. “Have you ever had a banana split? Probably not. Well, let me tell you. You’re totally missing out. Bananas, when combined with the yumminess of ice cream and assorted sugary toppings, are the best of fruits.”
No movement from the peel and eat Xander section, so he kept going. “Now, I know, you’re thinking…fruit? Isn’t that good for you? Trust me, in this one instance, eating something good for you can be excused. And if the banana is frozen? Well, now, let me tell you, you nearly forget that it’s good for you in the first place.
“See, there was this one time when my best friend went through this healthy granola stage. We were like, eight, or something. Anyway, she had her mom stop buying me banana cream moon pies for my afternoon snack and instead had us eating regular old bananas. Let me tell you, I almost had to find a new best friend right then and there.
But it was
Demon pausage still in effect. Weird, but good. So Xander kept talking. “Well, after a couple good rounds of the pouty lip,
“Of course, frozen bananas naturally led me down the path of ice cream cravings, so I conned Mrs. Rosenburg into making us some banana splits out of our frozen bananas. And let me tell you, if you’ve only had it the old fashioned way, you’re missing out. Okay, so they’re a little hard to bite into, and sometimes they give you brain freeze, but what’s a little pain, right?”
The demon nodded, seeming to approve. Awesome.
“Okay, so next comes the ice cream. Now, if you knew me better, you’d totally be surprised by this, but I highly recommend at least one scoop of pistachio. I know, I know, it’s green and the Xan-man has very strong feelings on the subject of eating green things. Well, pistachio ice cream is one of a very few exceptions, let me tell you.
“So, you’ve got your pistachio, right in the middle, then you add your other ice cream flavors of choice. I’m a traditional kind of guy and tend to go with vanilla on one side and chocolate on the other. I have, on the rare occasion, traded up to like double chocolate fudge and rocky road, but that’s really for emergency use only. Get me?”
The demon nodded again. This was scary, yet cool. Maybe Buffy wouldn’t have to kill this one after all.
“Okay, so once you get your assorted ice creams in position, next comes the toppings. Now, there are multiple choices, but really, you can’t go wrong with fudge sauce and lots of it. I’m talking ‘you want that ice cream crying out for a life preserver ’cause it’s drowning in fudge sauce’ levels of fudge sauce here. Nothing else will suffice.
“If I’m feeling particularly adventurous, I will then attempt to add more fruit. I know, it’s shocking, but combining strawberry sauce and pineapple sauce with the extreme levels of fudge sauce seems to balance out the ‘this is healthy fruit’ thing. I don’t know how it works; it just does.
“Now, we’re almost done. The toppings for the toppings come next. This is where you can go nuts. Literally. Peanuts, man. They add crunch and salty goodness. I saw on the Food Network that you should always add a little salt to your desserts ’cause it brings out the flavor or something, so it’s got to be a fact. I generally recommend more than one topping for your topping because you’ve really got to have balance, and if you’re adding salty, then you should add sweet. I like a combination of crushed Oreos and some type of crushed candy bar.
“You still with me?”
The demon was looking kind of funny, but it was still there staring at him, and perhaps drooling a little. Hey, he couldn’t help it if his description of a banana split was drool-worthy. He was the master, after all.
“Okay, one last step. Of critical importance. You must put a cherry on top. No exceptions. Some people don’t like cherries, but they just need to suck it up and work with it. They don’t have to eat it, but it must be there. I know, you’re thinking ‘fruit again’? But these aren’t just any old cherries, they’re packed in sugary goodness and, really, that color of red isn’t found in nature, so they couldn’t be too good for you.
“And that, my friend, is the perfect banana split, Xander-style. So what do you think? Want to go get one? Perhaps leave the Xan-man alone in the cemetery? Wouldn’t that be a good idea?”
The demon was definitely drooling now, or perhaps that was some sort of foam coming out of its mouth? It started doing this weird shaking/vibrating thing, and Xander cautiously took a step or twelve back. Just as he’d gotten out of range, it exploded spectacularly. Funny how it’s insides resembled a combination of pineapple and strawberry sauce.
Even more funny was how it had exploded all over Spike. Not that he was laughing or anything. One thing Xander did not have was a death wish. No sirree. Not him.
Spike dripped his way over to Xander, a look of admiration in his eyes, and boy was Xander surprised ’cause he’d never seen Spike look at him that way before. “Bloody hell, pet, that was amazing.”
“I’ve never actually seen a Snorglatz get talked to death before. Yeah, there’s rumors that they can be hypnotized by the sound of the human voice, and I’ve even heard that if a human talks fast enough, it can cause them to boil from the inside out. But I didn’t believe it. Until now.”
“I boiled it.”
“Could be seen as gross.”
“It does kind of look like strawberry and pineapple sauce, though.”
“It does?” Spike arched a brow, looking at him like he’d grown another head.
“Yep. I’m hungry. Tell the girls I’m off to the Dairy Queen for a banana split, hold the bananas. I’ve had enough fruit for the night.”